i need a minute (or two)

Friday, February 23, 2018

As I opened a new file and thought of what words to start this post with, my mind whispered, "Try not to sound so overly sad." And to that voice I replied, "Screw you. I can allow myself to be sad if I want to."

"Some days I'm Van Gogh's starry night, other days I'm his suicide letter."

I don't always know how to write.

I don't always know how to write a poem in the midst of sadness, or anguish, or utter disappointment. I don't know how to become one of those writers whose darkest, most intense times of life become fruits of inspiration. How they stand and witness a forest fire then create a drawing with its ashes.

I don't always know how to compose a well-written piece on staying positive, or keeping faith, at a moment of being torn to shreds. I wish these shreds were like scattered puzzle pieces; those you can pick up and assemble together to create a lovely image. Instead, these shreds remind me of broken ceramic plates. Ones that, once broken, cannot be as how it was before the fall.

Over the past few weeks, I feel that this blog has slowly retreated into a fetal position. I've succumbed to publishing pre-written content from other parties, and most of the stuff I've written and put out, albeit sincere and enjoyable, are pretty shallow.

As a small blogger, my blog is a pretty accurate representation of who I am and how I'm doing. And if it hasn't been that great lately, well, then it wouldn't have been so great.

I've realized now that I'm actually tired of having to explain myself at the end of each recent blog post. As bloggers, we always say things like "ah sorry I haven't been posting, things are just so busy!", "I want to start posting more for you guys" etc. It's good for reader-writer accountability, but this time, I'm tired of sugarcoating my real letdowns, failures, and mishaps into "Sorry I haven't been posting so much!" Because no, I'm actually not sorry for having a very human moment in my life where I may or may not fall into an existential crisis. One I might not be able to write about.


If difficult stages of one's life could help a writer create their best work, I guess I just haven't been so fortunate.

Because the truth is, I'm not at a moment where I want to write about my skincare routine, or my top tips, or my best lifestyle content. I cannot write in a carefree tone at a time where I feel burdened. I can try, but that would mean I'm trying to live up to the blogger's-perfect-attitude-towards-life persona, which I kind of suck at.

I can't always come out of a problem with some profound wisdom to bestow upon my readers. Today, I wish I could sound something like, "Well things are great now! And everything is wonderful! And I found the reason and solution to my problem! Everything is possible if you try!" But that hasn't been my thought process. That hasn't been how I'm feeling. 

so how are you feeling?

I don't want to turn this blog into an open diary, so to give you a general idea, I'll just try and mention a few things about how I've really been:

  • My stress mainly consists of transitioning to a new life and city away from home in the midst of family grief, progressively learning (the rough way) about how to take care of myself and live alone at the age of 18, and basically trying to find my truest identity, and reach my goals, and decide what I want to do with my life, in the messiest, most awkward and experimental way possible. It's quite the burden if I put it that way, but above it all, I try. I repeat daily mantras and I do my dishes and cleaning accordingly, and I try to breathe, drink water, and, you know, survive.
  • I've been trying to navigate between allowing myself to have feelings toward certain situations, and teaching myself to handle these feelings with patience and grace. It might sound like I'm keeping a Biblical virtue, but really, it feels a lot more like basic survival skills. You need to be a little positive at times. You need to have faith in yourself and in better days. You need to make wise decisions in times of intense frustration. Soon enough, we learn it's not as much of a choice as it is a way of staying alive.

So what I'm really trying to say from this long, dry, spiraling midnight ramble I just went on, friends, is: I need a minute. Or two.

Indeed, my content and my blog have been falling behind, but from that, I suppose this is me trying to say that I'm choosing to stay behind. I still have plenty to say. (Too much, even.) But rather than pushing forward to find more words, I think it's time I stay back to find myself.

Among whatever other concerns I have, I still love writing, and I couldn't imagine a life without it. But it's time for me to admit that I don't always know how to do it. At least not when the closest metaphor I can find to describe my mental state is a pile of broken ceramic plates, y'know?

Because respectively, moving away, and being alone, and smiling to strangers when your heart is shattering, that's all hard stuff.

Take this as a reminder, though, that it's okay if you need space to divert more of your attention to your wellbeing. It's okay if you don't have all the pieces together yet. And it's okay if you feel like you never will.

Because the world is only people
who act like they have a clue,
on who to be, on how to live,
on what to say or what to do.
But I have been and said and did,
I tried my best to just pull through.
So now I'll cry, I'll sing, I'll breathe
I'll just be saddened if I want to.


Here's to, I don't know, the better days to come,


  1. I really admire that you came out and said what a lot of us wish we could say when we need a break from blogging. I'm in the middle of one now and didn't exactly announce my blogging break on the blog. Sometimes we need to step away and work on ourselves before we continue sharing our lives with the world.

    Transitioning into a new city on your own can be hard. I did it at 21 during a not-so-great point in my life. If I had any advice on transitioning it's get out and make friends. Find a good support group that will help you explore your new city. If that means getting involved in clubs or activities at school go for it! You may end up meeting a connection who will lead you to your future. Also, don't pressure yourself to have life figured out. I'm almost 30 and have no idea what the next 5 years look like! Live in the moment and enjoy every second of it.

  2. Believe me I know how difficult it is. When I was 13 I moved away from everything I knew as home, I moved from England to Canada and life was tough. For a long time. But now 4 years into it, and it has been the best few years of my entire life. I never want to go back to England. Trouble is, it feels like my life is being torn away from me all over again, this summer I have to move back to England. The place I never wanted to go back to, because as much as I liked it, having been here I realize now that I was never actually living. I don't want to re-meet old people, live in an ancient town full of bloody museums and castles. I hate history, and quite frankly it makes me feel uneasy. I want to be able to take a 30 second ferry ride to an island full of palm trees, and a quick car journey to sit by the lake with an ice cream in hand. Honestly Toronto is the most amazing place to live, and if I had it my way I would never leave. The only way I have been coping so far is by ignoring it, and reading self help books. (may I recommend The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*ck and You're a Badass) I know it has to be difficult when you're alone, but find an outlet. Join a yoga class, find a new place to walk, make some new friends, connect with others online. Anything to get a piece of mind. Soon enough my life will shatter to pieces, and maybe if you find something to help you, you can help me. Good luck, enjoy, explore, at least its all new for you. And don't be afraid to feel. Have a cry, grab some ice cream, watch some TV, shout, its okay to break (some) things, just pick yourself up off the floor once you're done. You don't belong down there. I truly hope it all works out for you. xx


  3. This is a hard situation, letting yourself experiment is the best you can do.
    Do not let anything push you to do something you feel it's taking away time from your focus to figure out what to do in life and improve your feelings, even if this is blogging, a pushy friend, a boyfriend etc. You and your future are more important so take care of that first, you are at the right age so give it time <3
    Hara | www.fashion-and-thecity.com/

  4. Thank you so much for being so honest. I really appreciate that.

  5. I think you're super brave and you'll be fine on your own! It's scary at first but it's the best feeling to be able to take care of yourself

    Beauty & Colour | Vegan Lifestyle Blog

  6. I think it's okay to have off days. It keeps us rooted. And it's okay to take a day off! Don't be too hard on yourself. You're such a brave person for being honest because hey, no one is perfect and it'll really take time. I hope you'll be fine and figure things out eventually. God bless you!

    Bee // http://beecaluya.com x

  7. I feel you on that. We've been there for sure. Good luck with everything and don't be so hard on yourself. It's better to put out content you're excited about than to feel like it's a job. This should be fun :)


  8. Love your honesty and authenticity in this post! I think sometimes it's important to show the other side too and not just the "my life is perfect, look at me!" type of posts. I think it's TOTALLY okay to have off days, or to go through a season where you just feel discouraged. Transitions are definitely hard and I can relate after just graduating and moving to a brand new city this year. Thanks so much for being real and sharing!

    -Emily | www.East91Blog.com

  9. Hello!
    I am a new reader and this is the first post of yours that I've read so I don't have much to go on. However, I LOVE this post! Your writing is fantastic and flows in such a genuine way that you can tell this was written from the heart which, quite frankly, is always the best kind of post. I think creating content that you love and are happy with is the only thing that keeps us bloggers going (more specifically the smaller and more likely unpaid ones). Therefore, if you aren't happy then by all means take a minute, or two, or even three! I've been blogging since I was 12 and have had more sites than I can count. I regularly take month and sometimes even year long breaks from my current blog. Every time I come back its so tempting to start all over again but just pick up where you left off! Readers will be here waiting for you. All the best x

  10. Wow, I so admire and appreciate your honest authenticity here. You're right - it's easy to just sum up the fact that life is really freaking hard sometimes with "sorry I haven't been posting" when really there is so much happening that we don't know or can't see. It's important to take space, important to be real with where you're at... and important to be bold, to find some positives when you can. I believe in you, girl!

    Kathryn • simplykk.com

  11. I love how you express your vulnerability and authenticity. I adored reading this post and it gave a little insight into the real you


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